Building Your Momma Tribe
If there is one thing I have learned in my few years of motherhood, it’s that you need a Tribe. I know, we’ve heard it all before: “It takes a Village.” But the saying holds up, now possibly more than ever. With anxiety rates on the rise, and judgements all over the internet, we need a solid group of people that are in our corner, cheering us on, comforting us when we’re down, checking in when they haven’t heard from you in awhile and offering advice only when we ask for it.
Motherhood is hard and it’s going to be a long road if you’re walking it alone. Trust me on this one! I momentarily forgot all the amazing people I have in my corner and it took me to a dark place! So if you don’t already have a Tribe, it’s time to start building one. I know from life experience that life is so much better when you have a support group to lean on when you’re in the trenches of parenthood.
If you’re a first time Mom, you’re going to notice that your life is about to flip around and everything is about to change if it hasn’t already. The friends you once had, are likely not going to be the same friends you have a year from now, unless you’re the last in your group to start having kids. I’ve seen it time and time again and witnessed it firsthand. Once you have a child, your friends that don’t have kids are going to start distancing themselves from you. Maybe not right away, but eventually. It’s usually not that they do it to be hurtful. It’s because they don’t get it. They don’t understand why you can’t go out for drinks and appetizers at night or come over at the drop of the hat. It’s not their fault - they just aren’t in that phase of life yet. They take for granted how easy it is to simply walk out the door or take a shower or show up for things on time. They think babysitters are super easy to find and they don’t comprehend the anxiety that comes when you leave your baby alone with someone else. And since they don’t get it, they think you’ve become boring and while they still love you they start inviting you out less and less. They don’t call to check in with you as much because they don’t know you need that. They don’t know how hard it is.
But do you know who does? Other Moms!
We’ve got you! We’ve been there and maybe haven’t gone through exactly what you’re going through but we’re here to listen. We are stronger together and find comfort in knowing we aren’t alone, crazy or a terrible mom for losing our shit every once in a while.
Whether you’re a New Mom or not, here are the 10 types of Mom’s I think everyone needs in their Tribe:
The Veteran - This is the Mom that has a kid 4-5 years older than your kid. She has been through all the stages you’re going through or about to go through and is often the calm in the shit storm that is all things toddler. She will be there to reassure you that what your kid is going through is normal, that it’s a phase and it too shall pass. She brings a different level of insight to motherhood for you to ask questions about. She doesn’t know everything, although sometimes it might seem like that. Consider her a bit of a guru and lean on her experience - you’re gonna need it!
The Commiserator - This is the Mom that has a kid nearly the same age as yours. She is going through the exact same stuff you’re going through and she is probably going to become one of your best friends. Are you up at 2 am feeding a baby that refuses to sleep? Text her! Chances are she is at her house doing the exact same thing. She will be your go to Mom when your baby starts teething, you start them on solids for the first time, they start talking & walking, having epic meltdowns, begin preschool then kindergarten together and literally everything in between. You will get together on playdates and force your kids to become friends because you want to stay friends with this Mom forever. The bond you will create will be strong as you watch each other’s kids grow up and reach milestones together. You’ll complain to each other about the crazy things your kids are doing and then as you move into the next phase, reminisce about the memories that pass much to quickly.
The Newbie - This Mom just had her first baby and has no clue what she is doing. She might not always show it, but she is anxious and is stressing about everything and wants to do only the best things for her new tiny bundle of joy. She is really so cute in the way that she checks on her baby all the time - but don’t forget to check in on her. She might be okay or she might be letting her anxiety get the best of her. It’s one thing to be waking up to see if your baby is still breathing, it’s another thing to not be getting any sleep at all for fear that something might go wrong. This Mom is usually pretty easy to spot in a crowd - she is the one constantly checking their baby monitor through the app on her phone, even if the grandparents are the one’s babysitting. she is consumed with love and is finally coming to realize how hard motherhood really is. All the Mom’s in the Tribe will rally around her to help her when and where they can. She needs reassurance - not judgement. She is an excellent reminder at how precious newborn’s are and if you have more than 1 child and/or you’ve been out of the “baby" stage for a while she serves as a reflection at how far you’ve come.
The Seasoned Mom - This is the Mom you want to hang out with or talk to when you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed and that you just don’t know how you’re going to get through the day. She has so many kids (3 or more) that she just doesn’t have time to stress about every little thing any more like too much screen time, how “toxic” everything is and she doesn’t fret over every little bump or bruise her kids get. She’s lost that irrational fear Mom’s with 1 kid have but she also doesn’t have the inflated confidence of knowing what she’s doing that Mom’s with two kids sometimes have (Note: Not all mom’s with 2 kids have this. It’s just something I have noticed in some and experienced myself). This Mom is outnumbered, she’s tired, she’s become a master of organization out of necessity and she is an expert at prioritization. She isn’t phased by much because she literally doesn’t have the energy. You’d think this Mom would be the first to start handing out unwarranted advice because someone with so many kids must have all the answers, but she actually doesn’t say much unless asked. This is because she’s been around the parenting block a time or two, she’s heard all the advice and knows that most comments aren’t actually helpful. Instead, she offers reassurance and support.
The Crafter - This is the Mom who has a love hate relationship with glitter, who can create an activity out of a toothpick, marshmallow and paint, and who always has her hot glue gun at the ready. She is always making things with her kids, comes up with the best ideas on how to keep everyone busy and doesn’t seem to mind the mess of crafts because she believes in the process. This Mom is a fountain of inspiration. Can’t think of what to do to entertain your kids on the weekend - call her up! She probably has at least 5 ideas to give you off the top of her head that won’t require you to go out and buy anything. She literally makes everything seem fun from board games to bike rides. It’s not shocking to find out she makes her kids their own clothes and they look better than anything you could buy at a store. She also seems to have to have a knack for baking and cooking. There isn’t really much this Mom can’t do - she is a rockstar.
The Scheduler - Some might call her OCD, but this is the Mom you call when you need help with planning and organizing your life. She is the Mom who put her newborn on a schedule (if that’s even possible)nand often will not break her child’s routine for anything. “Going with the flow” isn’t exactly her thing. She keeps her day planned in order to reach maximum productivity and usually is the one who feels the most guilty about screen time. If you want to make plans with her, get in touch at least 2 days before so that you can coordinate everyone’s designated “nap time” and “play time.” This Mom serves as inspiration because she always seems to have something on the go but needs a reminder every once in awhile that it’s okay to have some down time and to not over schedule her kids.
The Freespirit - This mom is so relaxed and fully embraces the art of independent play. She doesn’t really believe in “rules” and wants her kids to discover who they are by exploring the world around them. She is beyond comfortable in her own skin and somehow is able to find the beauty in everything. She has been through some hard times but decides to embrace the silver lining way of thinking. It’s not surprising when you find out this Mom dabbles in cannabis or indulges a little too much in Wine every now and again - I mean she needs to let off some steam sometimes too! To some, she might seem “out there” because her choices are at times a little “granola” and you might not always agree with her style of parenting but she plays her part in the Tribe. She encourages everyone else to just let go of things that don’t really matter and to chill out every once in a while.
The Hustler - This woman is the definition of a hard worker. You don’t know how she finds the time to get everything done and crush her goals. She might be working for a business and slaying it, going to school either through distance or in class, maybe she runs her own business, either way she is always seems to be moving towards a goal and still finding time for her family. While it might seem like she has everything together, and you’re in awe at the things she accomplishes she often struggles with finding balance in her life. She needs to work either because it’s part of her identity and brings her joy, she financially has to work her ass off to pay the bills, or for some other reason that really is none of our business. However the other side of the sword is that she feels like she needs to do more with her family and be more present with her kids. Mom guilt lives strong in this Momma so make sure you reassure her that she is one amazing Mother and that she is doing the best she can.
The Procrastinator - We all know this Mom! She is the one that drops her kids off wearing either pyjama pants/sweatpants or really any sort of athleisure wear. She looks slightly disheveled and is late for literally everything all of the time. You know that if you want to get anything done with this Mom, tell her to arrive at least an hour before she actually needs to be somewhere so that she only arrives 30 minutes late. She misses fundraising deadlines, forgets to respond to your messages after she looks at them and rarely remembers your kids actual birthday. She has the best of intentions though and thrives under pressure and tight deadlines. She might be late and/or forgetful but she pulls through for you 98% of the time and has a such a big heart that you can forgive for the 2% when she lets you down. You are constantly surprised at what she can get done in a very short amount of time when she needs to and how quickly she can come up with work arounds. Bake sale tomorrow? Nothing a quick trip to Cost-co can’t fix! Sure she’d love to make homemade, gluten-free, sugar free, peanut free, soy free, granola bars but reality is that it’s never going to happen and we kind of love her for that. She might seem like a hot mess some days but she is real and vulnerable and will make you feel like you’re not a terrible mom for not having all of your ducks in a row 100% of the time
The Mindful Mama - If you want to know what the definition of a caring person looks like, just find yourself a Mindful Mama. She is the one who always seems to think one step ahead and just instinctively knows what you need. She always comes prepared to every outing, and by prepared I don’t mean just for her own kids, she always has extras because she knows someone else is bound to forget (looking at you Procrastinator’s). She remembers everyone’s birthdays, buys things for you because when she saw it, she thought of you, sends you a text right when you need it the most, treats your kids like her own and would literally do anything for you, if she’s able to. It’s like she was born to be a Mom and take care of people, it just comes so naturally to her and she loves doing it. Chances are if she has siblings, she is the first born and being a leader and caretaker is what she’s been doing nearly her whole life. Don’t take advantage of this Mama though, just because she often tends to others and does it with ease, doesn’t mean she wants to be put in that position all the time. So make sure that you reciprocate kindness to her because she deserves it and that’s what being in a Tribe is all about.
I’m sure as you read through each description, someone came to mind - reach out to them and check in. Start building and nurturing those relationships because life is so much better when we are supporting one another. Also keep in mind, that likely a person is a mixture of two or more of these descriptors and that’s great! We are all constantly evolving and learning new things as our kids get older and as life throws us a curve ball every now and then.
The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to be going through your motherhood journey alone. Reach out to people and start building your Tribe so that you have people you can lean on during the difficult times and celebrate with during the exciting times. Or if you’re reading this and you’ve got a solid Tribe already, show them some gratitude! Tell them how much you appreciate them being part of your village - let’s remember to not take these much needed relationships for granted.